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Ouch! ... and the Park legacy ends here - The Paranoid Android
...musings of a mechanically depressed robot...
Ouch! ... and the Park legacy ends here
Well ... I'm back ...

Today was an interesting day

First the car journey. I don't really like driving into London. It's an old city and wasn't really designed for today’s modes of transport. But after about 2 hours of one way streets (the wrong way) and busses and white vans cutting us up.

Then there was the actual clinic.

I had a nice long chat with a 4,000 year old woman who was there to make sure I was mentally fit to be making a decision like that. And also to ask very personal questions and talk about my ejaculations. It was like talking to my great grandma ... very icky. After she decided I was mental enough to have it done ... or is that mentally stable? .. probably the first .. she told me a bit about the procedure, and that it's not 100% effective (it's 99.7% or something) that I might have aching testicles for up to 2 years (yup ... 2 ferkin YEARS) although the chances of that are 1 in 1000. Then she told me I need to ejaculate at least 20 times before my first sample is taken in 3 months time... and do I think I'll be able to manage that? ... I *think* I might ! <weg> I will have to masturbate into a jar and *mail* it to them .... yup *mail* it ... that was a shock!!

Then I had to go sit in the waiting room and await my turn. By this time I was getting *very* nervous. There was another guy waiting to be done, and the wife of a guy who was currently being down in the waiting room too.
He looked very nervous too... There was a little desperate humour in the conversations about this being the last time you could possibly wimp out.

After about 5 minutes a guy came out of a door and walked funny to his wife. They picked up their stuff and left. The nurse came out of the same door about 30 seconds later and was surprised to see them missing. They suggest you hang around for about 30 minutes after just to be sure you are OK.

The next guy in line made his way in after giving me that "oh well ... here goes nothing" look. My sister chose this point to leave me on my own so she could go have a fag. Her timing was fantastic. About 10 minutes later my sister was back from her walk and the guy is walking funny out of the door of doom. Just 10 minutes ... I was shocked. He tells me "it's not that bad" .. and just for a moment I believe him.

I was ushered through the door and told to strip to my underpants and socks (yeah - I know - what a sexy picture that is!) then make my way into the operating room. There was a strange smell in the air, and I now had a really nasty feeling about it all. I am feeling rather embarrassed and am told to lie on the bed, and pull my pants down. Now an Englishman is a reserved animal, and the uneasiness of lying there naked for all to see was almost the worse part of it. The real worse part was yet to come!

After a little chat about the cup game tomorrow and the state of the political scene in London ... and of course him preparing my bollocks with alcohol... he tells me he's about to administer the local anaesthetic. It felt really horrible. I'm ok with needles (I donate blood regularly) so the sharp scratchy feeling wasn't much of a surprise, but the cold and burning sensation going around that particular area was not pleasant. After about 5 seconds I could feel nothing ... and after he had checked this was so (I hate to think how he did that ... from my vertical position I could thankfully see nothing of this) he started. I have no idea how the procedure actually goes, but it involved burning flesh. That smell when I came in - I remembered when I had smelled that before (it a long story from my days working in McDonalds .. all you need to know is one of the guys fell onto the grill and badly burned his arms). What made it even worse was I could see the wisps of smoke rising from around my middle....

After it was all done .... I was shown back to the waiting room and asked to hang around for a little while to make sure I was ok. My sister informs me of all the details the doctor failed to let me know about. How the hell did she know?? The nurse came out and told her! I had managed to burst a blood vessel ... and that had required some extra work. It happens a lot .. I'm told ... but I may be a tad more bruised and fragile in the next few days. "Oh joy" Also that doctor has performed the most vasectomies in the UK. I was in "good hands"

The journey home was a complete nightmare. Luckily the local was still in force or I might have gone mad. The traffic was about how you'd expect it to be in a busy city with an antiquated road system and 6 million people wanting to get home at the same time.

When I got home - I had to pee ... and I found out my willy was completely numb! That was a very strange feeling .... Since then the anaesthetic has worn off and now I feel a bit like I've been kicked in the balls by a horse. Or at least how I imagine that feels. I have taken some pain killers (something I don't usually bother with) and it's almost tolerable.... almost.

Well .. I'm going to chat with my love now ... I'll be sure to keep you up to date with any more developments. Aren't you glad you read this all now?

Tags: ,
Current Mood: sore sore
Current Music: blink 182 - Seasons in the Sun

13 comments or Leave a comment
tweezlebum From: tweezlebum Date: May 3rd, 2002 02:30 pm (UTC) (Link)
<frowns> I'm so sorry. :/ I love you.
paranoidandroid From: paranoidandroid Date: May 3rd, 2002 02:36 pm (UTC) (Link)
hey hey ... no need to be sorry hun.

I love you too :-*
From: lilsyko Date: May 3rd, 2002 04:05 pm (UTC) (Link)
*stares* You're a better man than I....*coughs and hands u a hot water bottle thingy*
tweezlebum From: tweezlebum Date: May 3rd, 2002 04:27 pm (UTC) (Link)
paranoidandroid From: paranoidandroid Date: May 4th, 2002 08:21 am (UTC) (Link)
you're a MAN ?!??!!
From: lilsyko Date: May 4th, 2002 05:22 pm (UTC) (Link)


rofl my point exactly
dissolved_girl From: dissolved_girl Date: May 3rd, 2002 05:05 pm (UTC) (Link)
starry starry night paint ya bollocks pretty blue :X aww glad to know you're alright and everything is still intact :D
paranoidandroid From: paranoidandroid Date: May 4th, 2002 08:21 am (UTC) (Link)
I'm not too sure about the intact thing ! ... :-x
_mauler_ From: _mauler_ Date: May 3rd, 2002 05:20 pm (UTC) (Link)
OMG!!! >8O

*cringes LOTS*

(Still, at least it sounds like you get to have decent sex forevermore without utensils >;])
tweezlebum From: tweezlebum Date: May 4th, 2002 06:54 am (UTC) (Link)
Just decent? <scoffs> Not bloody likely. ;^P
paranoidandroid From: paranoidandroid Date: May 4th, 2002 08:24 am (UTC) (Link)
It's not as bad as it sounds ..... well - actually it is .. maybe even worse ! ;)

(And it's for amazing monkey sex with only the utensils we *want* to use forevermore ;])
blaisey From: blaisey Date: May 4th, 2002 01:40 am (UTC) (Link)
Yes i'm so glad i read it now lol.

Glad your ok =]
paranoidandroid From: paranoidandroid Date: May 4th, 2002 08:25 am (UTC) (Link)
wot? .. I left out the bits about the green puss ....

Fank ewe dear ;)
13 comments or Leave a comment